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61. Read Me First... Health & Safety Notes vs Reality.

...following the setting up of a drum kit.

Now it's the morning of the day following my previous two posts. I'm having a tea and some toast before going to the rain-wet garden to assemble a trampoline.

Today is my son's 8th birthday and I'm looking forward to it. Last night I was setting up an electronic drum kit for him and the first thing I saw was some "Read Me First" important notes.

Here are some examples with how life is likely to react to them...

Read Me First Safety Instructions Before Setting Up an Electric Drum Kit

To completely turn off power to the unit, pull out the plug from the outlet. - Reality... the plug never gets removed from the power unit, the whole thing is left on overnight, and the extension socket is glowing its red light across a kid's room.

When disconnecting the power cord, grasp it by the plug. - Reality... people can't be arsed bending down that far and will pull it from the cable.

Periodically clean the power plug. - That's going to happen.

Do not disassemble or modify by yourself. - Reality... excuse me dear neighbour but I need help taking the high-hat off my drum kit as the instructions say not to do it alone. What, are you fucking joking? No, seriously man, I might hurt my back or get a hernia. Why is it heavy? Erm, no. Is it difficult to reach and you think that I can help you reach it? Er, nope.

Never connect/disconnect a power plug if your hands are wet. - Right okay. Makes sense. But I was thinking of rubbing my cock along it, you haven't mentioned there's a problem with that. Is that okay?

Oh dear.

Many moons ago, I worked for a company that mounted access platforms to trucks. You can imagine the health and safety stuff going on here, and right to... to a point. But one particular company had staff that enjoyed stressing the managers out. The power of control was upside down. Any opportunity to down tools and blame managers was taken.

I remember putting some chequer plate access on to the back of this truck. It needed steps to gain access. Obviously, steps are a potential death hazard. No muppet can walk up a set of two steps without endangering their life.

So fair enough, we discussed a number of options, and the winning one was that a dropdown lever gateway would be placed at the bottom of the steps, so a person would deliberately need to raise it, then close it behind them to mount two steps where they would meet another gate that wouldn't open unless the lower one was closed. The equipment could not be used unless both gates were closed. The idea here is to help prevent workers from falling off the truck and pranging their heads.

We also fitted a drop down step to help access the equipment. The whole area was plastered with bright safety stickers a little like the Read Me First ones above. Still, someone managed to fuck up and bring the whole fleet to a standstill.

Do you know what they did?

They closed the drop down step on their fingers. It was positioned in such a way that you wouldn't naturally put your hand near it other than to open and close it, and it would not be possible to close it on the hand operating it. But some dude closed the step on his own hand and cried to the health and safety people, who then grounded the fleet.

A sticker was created showing how a person might trap their fingers, while explaining not to do this.

I wonder how far this will go?

Should cars have on the steering wheel a label that says "Face the front whilst driving"? Should my kettle have a warning sign on it to not place my hand in the boiling water while making a coffee? What about scissors? How many labels would those bad boys need? Lots. "Don't put your fingers between the long sharp bits and then close them together." or "when cutting something in your lap, make sure your cock isn't going to get cut-off".

Dudes, I just closed the laptop on my hands like a fucking gimp.

Maybe I shouldn't have tried shoving the toaster up my arse to see if the bread comes out of ears.

Dear oh dear. What must animals think of us? We are the universal joke. While animals are relaxed, taking in the rays, feeling the breeze on their whiskers, and running around not trying to get eaten, we are trapping our hands in drop down steps, and putting double access gates on steps we use hundreds of times a day.

A bunch of saps.

Don't be a sap, dude. Think a little, from the common sense of what you are.

Okay, off to set up a trampoline and bust my fingers.

Rev. Thomo


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